强悍原始法则装置
特警队
-上 快上 -行动起来 - Go, go, go, go! - Move it, move it!
-我们上 -快点 - Let's go, let's go! - Come on!
银行里事态紧绷 一触即发 It's a powder keg in there.
在市长发话前 谁都不许行动 No one moves till we get word from the mayor.
嘿 Hey.
嘿 小姑娘 Hey. Little girl.
别走了 Stop.
站住 Stop!
都趴在地上 Stay down!
小家伙 你想干什么 What do you want, little one?
想要你的命 Your ass.
砰 Boo!
干得好 Well done.
你… Who...
你是谁 who are you?
弗兰克·德宾 来自警察小队 Frank Drebin, Police Squad.
新版本的 The new version.
该死 Shoot.
白头神探：智斗灭世狂人
本WEB版外挂字幕由 风吹来的那片云 双语合并
我是弗兰克·德宾警佐 一名警督 隶属警察小队 My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad,
这是洛杉矶警局的一个特别部门 a special division of the LAPD.
银行劫案发生后的那天 开始得和往常没什么不同 The day after the bank robbery started like any other.
我在自己空荡荡的警察公寓醒来 I woke up in my empty cop apartment,
盯着我已逝的警察妻子的照片 看了一会 stared at a picture of my deceased cop wife
强忍住警察的眼泪 and choked back cop tears.
这算个完美的早晨吗 算吧 A perfect morning? Sure.
但当时我还全然不知 这座城市为我准备了什么惊喜 But I had no idea what this city had in store for me.
搞什么 What the hell?
-嘿 -他来了 - Hey! - There he is.
干得漂亮 弗兰克 Way to go, Frank!
恭喜弗兰克已抓获一千名罪犯
谢谢 谢谢各位 Thank you. Thanks, everyone.
你们在搞什么 What is this?
别为他喝彩了 Don't cheer for him!
你们俩立刻到我办公室来 You two, my office now!
警察小队惹麻烦了
因为你 我刚被市长痛骂了两小时 Thanks to you, I just spent two hours getting chewed out by the mayor.
据说被你打进重症监护室的 几个银行劫匪 Apparently, some of the bank robbers you put in the ICU,
他们请了律师 要状告市政府 they're lawyering up to sue the city.
这太可笑了 他们可是罪犯 That's ridiculous. They're criminals.
你犯法了 It's the law.
什么时候警察也要依法行事了 Since when do cops have to follow the law?
-从来便是如此 -是吗 - Since forever. - Oh, yeah?
那谁负责逮捕我呢 其他警察吗 And who's going to arrest me? Other cops?
-对啊 -她是认真的吗 - Yes. - Is she serious?
他是认真的吗 Is he serious?
他…不是的 He's... no.
我跟你说清楚 Look, let me be crystal clear.
因为你 上头打算解散警察小队 They are threatening to shut down Police Squad because of you.
说实话 去年的麦当劳事件后 你还能在这儿工作已经幸运至极 Honestly, you're lucky you still work here after last year's McDonald's incident.
那是因为他们不肯卖我“自由薯条” They wouldn't sell me Freedom Fries.
-而你因此逮捕了所有工作人员 -我只是一时头脑发热 - You arrested the entire staff! - I wasn't thinking clearly.
珍妮特·杰克逊的超级碗事件 把我气坏了 I was furious about the Janet Jackson Super Bowl.
那是20年前的事了 That was 20 years ago!
对我来说 记忆犹新 Not to me.
我们听懂了 局长 您说得对 We understand, Chief. You're right.
那就好 Good.
接下来我要把你们撤出银行的案子 'Cause I'm taking you off the bank job.
-什么 -你们去负责车祸案件 - What? - I'm putting you on collisions.
马里布发生了一起车祸 There's a crash up in Malibu.
没问题 局长 谢谢您 Yes, ma'am. Thank you.
这次一定要确保 打开你们的随身执法记录仪 And make sure your bodycams are actually turned on!
明白 我会打开摄像头的 Got it. Camera will be on.
德宾 Drebin!
警察小队不会继续 容忍你胡作非为了 It's a new day at Police Squad!
局里的形势变得可真快 Things are changing so fast around here.
看来市政厅确实是 没法战胜的 是吧 I guess you really can't fight City Hall, huh?
没错 因为那是一栋建筑 No. It's a building.
这才是真正的大丈夫 Now, there's a real man.
弗兰克·德宾
现在培养不出你爸这样的警察了 They just don't make 'em like your pops anymore.
幸好他早就不在了 不必看着警察小队沦落至此 I'm glad he's not around to see what Police Squad has come to.
能让我和他单独相处一会吗 艾德 Mind if I take a minute, Ed?
当然 Of... of course.
嗨 老爸 是我 小弗兰克 Hi, Daddy. It's me, Frank Jr.
我想成为像您这样的人 但是… I want to be just like you, but...
与此同时 和您完全不同 活出自我 at the same time, be completely different and original.
所以 如果您以我为傲的话 So, if you're proud of me,
就显显灵吧 比如… give me a sign, like...
让我看到一只猫头鹰什么的 maybe make me see an owl or something.
嘿 老爸 Hey, Dad.
队长 艾德·霍肯 It's me, Ed.
是我 艾德
天啊 我真的好想念您 Boy, do I miss you.
嘿 老爹 Hey, Pops.
下午两点左右 我和艾德 驾车来到了马里布的撞车地点 Ed and I pulled up to the Malibu car crash around 2:00 p.m.
没什么不寻常的事 Nothing unusual.
但在这个城市 通常来说…寻常就是不寻常 But in this city, usual is unusual... usually.
搞什么 What the hell?
你昨晚的约会怎么样 弗兰克 So how was your date last night, Frank?
我实在是不想去 Ah, I couldn't go through with it.
-那你取消了 -没有 - You canceled? - Nope.
我不想惹她不开心 I didn't want to upset her,
所以我让巴恩斯警官跟她说 我被人捅死了 so I had Officer Barnes tell her I was stabbed to death.
你真是个浪漫的人 弗兰克 You're a real romantic, Frank.
但每个人都需要另一半 哪怕是像你这样的鳏夫 But everyone needs someone, even a widower like you.
我还没有做好准备 再次敞开心扉 坠入爱河 I'm just not ready to open myself to love again.
为了让你们看个清楚 我让他们等会再清理车辆残骸 I had them wait to clear the wreck so you could get eyes on it.
车祸发生于凌晨四点 Crash happened around 4:00 a.m.
路上没留下刹车痕迹 Well, there are no skid marks on the road.
在车倒翻前 他没踩刹车 He didn't hit the brakes before going over.
喝酒了 Drunk?
喝了点 刚够让我提神 A little. Just enough to wake me up.
这车很高级啊 Fancy car.
是啊 这是伊甸园科技新出的电能车 Yeah, it's one of those new EdenTech electric ones.
电能车 Electric, huh?
我记得在我们那个年代 电能的东西只有鳗鱼 电椅 I remember when the only things that were electric were eels, chairs,
还有《芝加哥》里 火辣放电的凯瑟琳·泽塔琼斯 and Catherine Zeta-Jones in Chicago.
几个药瓶都空了 Empty pill bottles.
死者是什么人 Who was he?
西蒙·达文波特 53岁 Simon Davenport, 53 years old.
无妻无子 No wife, no kids.
他有个妹妹 住在汉考克公园 He's got a sister out in Hancock Park,
但除了名字之外 我们对她几乎一无所知 but we don't really know anything about her other than her name.
她叫贝丝·达文波特 Beth Davenport.
离异 身高168厘米 体重58公斤 Divorced, 5'6", 130 pounds.
性子火爆 自称是巧克力狂人 Spitfire of a personality. Self-proclaimed chocoholic.
热爱户外运动 但也喜欢惬意地读一本好书 Likes outdoorsy things but is just as happy curling up with a good book.
好了 证据我已经看够了 把这起车祸定为自杀 All right. I've seen enough. Mark it as suicide.
开始清理吧 Go ahead!
吊车可以上场了 Bring in the crane!
警察小队
机密
春季音乐剧演员名单
-名单出了 -我看看我演什么角色 - Oh, my God, it's up! - Wait, I got to see what I got!
-耶 我被选上了 -恭喜 - Yes, I got it! - Congratulations
-搞什么 拜托 -她根本不会唱歌 - Come on, man! - She can't even sing!
-警督 -什么事 巴恩斯 - Lieutenant? - What's up, Barnes?
我知道您现在不负责银行劫案了 但我很需要您帮忙分析一下 Look, I know you're off the bank job, sir, but I could really use your advice.
-说说什么情况 -这事特别奇怪 Go for it. Look, it's the strangest thing.
所有劫匪此前从未见过面 All the thieves had never met each other
他们当中无一人知道 自己是为谁做事的 and none of them knew who they were working for.
真妙 Brilliant!
爪牙一无所知 就没法跟警方招供 If they don't know anything, they can't squeal.
劫案的幕后首脑非常聪明 Whoever orchestrated this is very smart.
猜猜怎么着 幕后之人告诉这些劫匪 抢来的现金归他们所有 And get this. The robbers were told that they could keep the cash.
哪有人策划抢银行 但自己不要一分钱的 Who organizes a bank robbery and doesn't keep the cash?
他们一定另有目的 They must have been after something else.
不如你把其中一个犯人带过来 看看我们能否撬开他的嘴 Why don't you bring in one of the perps? See if we can get them talking.
明白 谢谢 Got it. Thank you.
注意了 弗兰克 有人来找你 Heads up, Frank. You got a visitor.
我让她在外面等 但她直接走进去了 I told her to wait outside, but she just walked in.
需要我帮你把她赶走吗 You want me to get rid of her?
不必 No.
没事 我自己来处理 That's okay, I'll deal with it.
我在这儿 警督 Over here, Lieutenant.
我妻子去世后 我本来已经发誓断情绝爱 I'd sworn off love after my wife died,
但这个女人从头到脚 都完美得无可挑剔 but this woman was put together in all the right ways.
脸蛋 脑袋 肩膀 膝盖和脚趾 Face, head, shoulders, knees and toes.
完美的膝盖和脚趾… Knees and toes...
还有完美到任何马桶 都会求着她拉屎的屁股 and a bottom that would make any toilet beg for the brown.
抱歉让您久等了 女士 Sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am.
您有什么事需要我帮忙 How may I help you?
西蒙·达文波特的案子您判断错了 他绝不会自杀 You're wrong about Simon Davenport. He wouldn't commit suicide.
西蒙·达文波特 Simon Davenport.
马里布车祸案的那具死尸 The stiff from the Malibu crash.
那具死尸是我哥哥 That stiff was my brother.
我是说…他的死相其实不明显 Oh, I mean... he wasn't that stiff, really.
还没到那个程度 只是软趴趴的 比较肿胀 Not yet. More floppy and bloated.
不 我是说 节哀顺变 No, I mean, I'm so sorry for your loss.
请坐 选张椅子 Please, take a chair.
不必了 谢谢 我家里不缺椅子 No, thank you. I have plenty of chairs at home.
您怎么称呼 女士 Now, Mrs...
达文波特 Davenport.
我单身 叫我贝丝·达文波特小姐 Miss Beth Davenport.
-您贵姓 -德宾 Mr.? Drebin.
我也是单身… Miss...
叫我弗兰克·德宾警探 Detective Frank Drebin.
警探 我觉得西蒙是被人谋杀的 Detective, I think someone murdered Simon.
真的吗 您为什么会这么想 Really? What makes you think that?
他昨晚给我打过电话 说他惹上什么麻烦了 Well, he called me last night. He said he was in some kind of trouble.
所以我们约好了今早见一面 So we made plans to meet this morning.
这听起来像是 打算自杀的人会做的事吗 Does that sound like someone who's planning to kill themselves?
不像 听起来确实不像 No, it certainly does not.
为什么会有人对他做这种事 Why would someone do that to him?
相信我 Trust me,
想杀一个人 从来不愁没理由 there's always a reason to kill someone.
他笑起来是不是很惹人烦 Did he have an obnoxious laugh?
不是的 No.
抱歉 我平时不是这样的 Forgive me, I'm just not myself.
没事 我平时也不像你这样 That's okay. I'm not you, either.
跟我说说 Tell me,
你哥是做什么工作的 what did your brother do for work?
电脑方面的工作 Computers.
他是理查德·凯恩手下的程序员 He was a programmer for Richard Cane.
那个打算用他的电能车 拯救世界的天才 The genius who's gonna save the world with his electric cars.
您应该最先找他谈话 Well, he's the first person you should talk to.
然后您可以去查查西蒙的驾驶记录 看看两者是否匹配 Then you could check Simon's driving records and see if they match.
别急着抢活儿 Whoa, whoa. Slow down there.
你说什么 Excuse me?
查案是警察的工作 就留给我来做 好吗 Let's just leave the police work to me, okay?
我懂了 Oh. I see.
你这种人总是这副德性 Same old story with guys like you.
我是哪种人 Guys like me?
以为自己是天下第一聪明的顽固老头 Stubborn old men who think they know what's best.
我理解你现在悲痛交加 但查案是我的工作 I understand you're upset, but this is what I do.
如果你哥真是被人宰掉的 我一定会找到凶手 If someone did off your brother, I'll find him.
警探 谢谢你这么说 但西蒙是我唯一的亲人 I appreciate that, Detective. But Simon was all I had.
所以请你见谅 我没法干坐着期待你能好好干活 So you'll forgive me if I don't just sit around and hope you do your job.
我确实希望你能这么做 That's exactly what I expect you to do.
一旦我查到什么 我会联系你的 When I have something, I'll contact you.
这周我要办一系列读书会 I'm doing a series of book readings this week.
你可以去那儿找我 You can find me there.
《涂口红的杀手》 Book readings?
读书会 Yes. I write true-crime novels
没错 我根据我编造的故事 写犯罪纪实小说 based on fictional stories that I make up.
懂了 好吧 Yes, well,
罪案对你而言是笔下的故事 但是我的真实生活 you may write about it, but I live it.
好了 慢走不送 警队今天要开生日派对 Now, if you'll excuse me, we're having a birthday party
而我是办公室里唱歌最好听的 and I'm the best singer in the office.
转念一想 我很乐意收下那把椅子 On second thought, I will take that chair.
我记不清上一次 有人这样跟我说话是什么时候了 I couldn't remember the last time someone had talked to me like that.
这种训斥的语气通常是需要付费 It was the kind of dressing down you usually have to pay for
才能在自助洗衣店的地下室得到的 但她… in the basement of a laundromat. But she...
她的傲人翘臀 让人直想套个呼啦圈上去 看她扭动 She had the kind of hips you wanted to put a hula hoop on and spin.
是那种让你… The kind that made you...
伙计们 干点正经事吧 Fellas, do you mind?
我并没有被她说服 认为西蒙·达文波特是被谋杀的 I wasn't convinced Simon Davenport had been murdered.
但这案子开始让我有点浑身发痒了 But the case was starting to give me an itch.
而我一旦开始挠 And when I start to scratch,
不挠到皮开肉绽 医生逼我戴手套 我是不会善罢甘休的 I don't stop till I break skin and the doctor makes me wear mittens.
多谢 Thanks.
伊甸园科技二十周年庆
“明智之人摸着他的下巴”
-我帮您存放大衣 -要香槟吗 - Coat check? - Champagne?
小费罐
启发
提倡
理查德·凯恩靠做微处理器 赚到了第一桶金 Richard Cane had made his first fortune in microprocessors,
之后用这笔钱 建立了一个大型线上零售市场 and then used it to build a vast online retail marketplace
和绿色科技帝国 and green technology empire.
南瓜
然后突然间 那头熊朝我冲来 Then, suddenly, the bear charges towards me.
我拿起刀 做好准备… I ready my knife,
它与我擦身而过 朝露营地上头的蜂巢跑去了 and he barrels right past me to a honey hive above the campsite!
它的目标始终就是蜂巢 但我一直都没注意到 It had been there all along! And I hadn't seen it.
你来了 Ah. You've arrived.
德宾警督 Lieutenant Drebin.
-我也是 -我是理查… - Me, too! - I'm Richar...
理查德·凯恩 Richard Cane.
我们边走边聊吧 Please, walk with me.
你能跟我说说 达文波特先生的情况吗 So, what can you tell me about Mr. Davenport?
西蒙是一位很厉害的软件工程师 我们团队里最优秀的 Simon was a brilliant engineer, and one of our best.
我全然不知他的抑郁症如此严重 I had no idea he was so terribly depressed.
自杀真是可怕 Suicide is a dreadful thing.
只是有自杀的可能 Possible suicide.
你怀疑可能有隐情 You suspect something foul?
不 凶手不太可能是禽类 No. A chicken probably couldn't do this.
-但我会考虑各种各样的可能 -这样啊 - But I'm not ruling anything out. - I see.
这是西蒙生前参与的项目之一吗 Was this one of the projects Simon was working on?
不 你眼前的是一台红光治疗仪 No, what you see here is a red light therapy machine
证据表明它能有效增加睾酮 proven to increase testosterone.
你知道吗 男人的精子数已下降到历史新低 Did you know that men's sperm count is at historic lows
-整个世界版图都是 -真有意思 across the board? Fascinating.
我从没把我的精子放在过一块板子上 I've never put my sperm across a board.
我都是用一件邦乔维乐队的旧T恤擦 I have an old Bon Jovi T-shirt for that.
希望我这么说不会让你觉得尴尬 You know, I hope you don't think it's awkward my saying this,
但我其实是你的狂热粉丝 but I'm actually a big fan of yours.
-是吗 -真的 - Is that so? - Yes.
我读过你在银行劫案中的表现 I read about your work at the bank robbery.
你这样的人快绝种了 Guys like you are a dying breed.
-我这样的人 -没错 付诸行动的人 Guys like me? Yes, men of action
不会去征求许可 只管修理他们明知坏了的东西 who don't ask permission to fix what they know is broken.
听你这么说 我挺意外的 I'm surprised to hear you say that,
没想到如此沉迷 这些小发明的人会这样想 coming from someone who's so into these gadgets.
你不喜欢现代的惊人科技吗 Oh. You don't enjoy the marvels of the modern age?
无意冒犯 但之前的世界更美好 No offense, but the world was better before.
我同意 但千万别说出去 I agree, but don't tell anyone.
雪茄 Uh, cigar?
看起来确实是雪茄 Looks it to me.
不 我是说你想来一根吗 No, would you like one?
在室内吸烟 Smoking indoors?
你要给我开罚单吗 Care to write me a ticket?
你这个火柴盒 That matchbook.
我之前见过 I've seen it before.
是“孟加拉虎”里头的 It's the Bengal.
这是我名下的一家高级夜总会 只接待本市精英人士 It's a supper club I own for some of the city's elite.
在那里 男人们能做真实的自己 小酌几杯 以及… It's the kind of place where men can be themselves, have a few drinks and, uh,
像黑眼豆豆乐队歌词里说的那样 “在这里当个弱智” like the Black Eyed Peas once said, "get retarded in here."
这年头还能说那个词 You can still say that word?
在我的夜总会里可以随便说 In my club, you can.
我超爱黑眼豆豆乐队 Well, I love the Black Eyed Peas.
-谁不爱呢 -我知道有些人不喜欢 - Who doesn't? - I know a few people.
-那他们就是蠢货 -谁说不是呢 - They're fools. - I know.
-威廉姆·亚当斯 -阿帕·德·阿帕 - will.i.am. - apl.de.ap.
“禁忌” Taboo.
-别忘了还有菲姬 -我永远不会忘记菲姬 Don't forget Fergie. I would never forget Fergie.
《菲同凡想》 The Dutchess.
如果你有任何需要 Well, if you need anything,
请务必打电话给我 please don't hesitate to call.
谢谢 我们保持联系 Thank you. I'll be in touch.
-出口在那边 -明白 - Uh, it's that way. - Of course.
不如明天 我们送德宾先生一点小礼物吧 Why don't we get Mr. Drebin a little gift for tomorrow?
这是伊甸园声控一号 The EdenVox-1.
警察小队有史以来第一台 全自动无人驾驶 Police Squad's first ever fully automated, self-driving
电动汽车 electric vehicle.
这是理查德·凯恩刚送给我们的礼物 A gift we just received from Richard Cane.
你昨晚一定 给他留下了很好的印象 弗兰克 You must've made some kind of impression last night, Frank.
是啊 看起来是这样 Yeah, it would seem so.
-来一杯咖啡 -好 谢谢 - Coffee? - Yes, thank you.
别害羞啊 伙计们 过来试驾一下 Don't be shy, fellas. Come check it out.
好挤啊 Snug.
全都是电动的 All electric.
从零加速到每小时一百公里 只需要3点1秒 Zero to sixty in 3.1 seconds.
听起来挺厉害的 I guess that's good.
瞧好了 Watch this.
汽车 开门 Car, open doors.
这小把戏不错 Neat trick.
现在你来试试 Now you try.
汽车… Car...
请关门 please, close doors.
-嘿 -真的挺好玩的 - Hey! - Pretty fun, I guess.
让我试试这样行不行 汽车… Okay, how about this? Car...
往前行驶九米 drive forward 30 feet.
-开得挺稳 -是啊 Pretty smooth. All right.
真不错 Impressive.
嘿 伙计们 Hey! Guys?
-站住 -别… - Freeze! - Don't--
什么
站住 不许动
这地方真是要倒了 I tell you, this place is falling apart.
我有六个目击证人 可以证明你就在抢劫现场 I got half a dozen witnesses that place you on the scene.
我们很清楚你当时就在银行 We know you were at the bank!
我告诉你 当时我不在银行 I'm telling you, I wasn't there.
谢谢 帕克 Thanks, Park.
你的犯罪记录可真是“战绩累累” This is quite the rap sheet you've got here.
上面写着你因为“过失笑人” 坐了二十年牢 It says you served 20 years for "man's laughter."
那个笑话一定很好笑吧 Must have been quite the joke.
你是说“过失杀人”吧 You mean "manslaughter"?
好了… Well...
我们知道你老大不要抢来的钱 we know your boss didn't want cash.
所以抢劫的真正目的是什么 他到底想要什么 So what was the point of the robbery? What did he want?
我…当时…不在银行 I... wasn't... there.
你觉得自己很聪明是吧 You think you're so smart.
我的执法记录仪可以证明你谎话连篇 Well, I think my bodycam might tell a different story.
艾德 Ed?
科技真的很厉害 Technology really is something.
最近警察小队很重视“办案透明” Police Squad is all about "transparency" these days.
调遣中心 我是德宾 我已下班 Dispatch, this is Drebin. 10-7.
真爽 Oh, yeah!
美味的辣椒热狗 A chili dog.
这是属于冠军的早餐 Breakfast of champions.
再来几口黑咖啡 And a little black coffee.
行了 你可以快进一段 Okay, you can fast-forward a bit.
请出示驾照和车辆登记证 License and registration, please.
这枪不是我的 This isn't mine.
失礼了 Excuse me.
真要命 听我说 Oh, boy. Listen, uh,
你看起来是个遵纪守法的人 you seem like a decent fella.
这次我只予以警告 可以放你走 祝你今天愉快 再见 I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Have a great day, bye.
劫案是那天的晚些时候 再快进一段时间 It's much later in the day. Fast-forward a while.
你会看到的 等着瞧吧 You'll see. Just wait.
我得找个厕所 要命 I need a bathroom. Oh, God.
快点啊 快点开 快开 Come on, move, move, move!
集中注意力 弗兰克 Focus, Frank, focus.
你能行的 你能坚持 You got this, you got this.
再快进一点 Maybe a little more.
这套西装又要被我毁了 I'm gonna ruin another suit!
巴恩斯 Barnes!
抱歉 Sorry.
警察执行公务 Police business!
卫生间
上厕所要排队 兄弟 Uh, there is a line, man!
快出去 Come on!
你真令人恶心 你这个蠢货 You're disgusting, you stupid idiot.
13岁还在吃母乳 你这怪胎 Breastfed until you were 13, you freak.
下巴上没奶臭味就没法勃起 Can't get it up without the stench of milk on your chin.
你再吃一根试试 Don't you dare.
别这样 别吃了 Don't do it. Don't eat it!
-天啊 -弗兰克 - Oh, God! - Frank.
之后我又多吃了五根 I had five more that day.
感觉好点了吗 弗兰克 那是肯定的 Feel better, Frank? You better believe it.
就是这里 Yes!
这是你站在银行里的影像 一目了然 That's you inside the bank, plain as day.
好吧 我说 Okay, fine.
我不知道指使我们去抢劫的人是谁 但他多半是疯了 Whoever we was working for, they was crazy.
他只需要我们抢一个保险箱出来 I mean, they just wanted us to get some safe deposit box.
保险箱 Safe deposit box.
是这个 595号保险箱 There. Box 595.
-艾德 查查名单 -好 - Ed, check the list. - Yep.
你一定不敢相信 弗兰克 You're not gonna believe this one, Frank.
保险箱的主人是西蒙·达文波特 Simon Davenport.
你是说 So you're saying,
这两起案件… these two cases...
其实是同一桩 are one case.
先生们 当初我们携手创立 伊甸园科技时 我们只有一个目标 Gentlemen, when you joined me to launch EdenTech, it was with one goal.
那就是拯救世界 To save the world.
我们一起研发出了 足以和众神对抗的种种科技 Together, we've created technologies to rival the Gods.
世界有因此变得更好吗 Has the world gotten any better?
没有 世界越来越糟糕了 No. It's only gotten worse.
当开国元勋们建国时 Now, when the Founding Fathers created this country,
他们就坐在这样的房间内 房间里坐满了像我们一样的人 they sat in a room like this, filled with men like us,
一个帝国由此诞生 and birthed an empire.
是美国 The USA.
对 说得没错 Yes, that's right.
但许多年过去 But as years went by,
有其他人妄想挤进那个房间 other people wanted to get into that room.
鱼族人 Fish people.
-你说什么 -鱼族人 - What? - Fish people.
他们脖子上长着鳃 Gills on their necks.
-我不… -像是男鱼人 女鱼人 - I don't-- - Like mermen and merwomen.
-是美人鱼 -没错 - Mermaids. - Right.
不 够了 不是鱼族人 No, stop. Not fish people.
是不知感恩之人 Ungrateful people.
没有资格坐在这张桌旁的人 People that did not earn their seat at the table.
和这个房间里的人截然不同的人 People not built like the men in this room.
他们长着螃蟹手 Crab hands.
他们的手是螃蟹手 没有手指 They had crab hands instead of fingers.
别说了 我知道自己在说什么 让我把话说完 Stop! I know what I mean. So just let me do the talking.
-这个人就长着螃蟹手 -我见过他 - This is a crab-hand person. - I've met him.
把手机收起来 Put the phone away!
现在我们该承认了 我们目前的这条路于世界无益 Now, it is time for us to admit that the path we are on is not working.
世界的系统出毛病了 The system's broken.
当系统运行不良时 我们该怎么做 And what does one do when a system is malfunctioning?
拔掉电源 You unplug it.
然后… And then,
再重新插上 you plug it in again.
我把它称为“强悍的原始法则装置” I call it the Primordial Law of Toughness Device.
让我给各位展示一下它的神通 Now let me show you what it's capable of.
去年 我们在本地社区中心 安装了许多隐藏摄像头 Last year, we set up cameras at the local community center.
打算做个小实验 Decided to run a little experiment.
我们想求证的问题是 The question.
如果把现代人类的心智 What would happen to modern humans
重置到最原始的自然状态 会发生什么 if you reverted their psyche to an original state of nature?
强悍原始法则装置 - 启动
装置启动后 会发出一种声波频率 When activated, the device sends an audio frequency
让大脑退化至原始的兽性状态 that reduces the brain to its animalistic core.
在本次实验中 我们限制了声波频率 In this case, the frequency was limited.
但下次启动时 它将通过每一台智能设备传播出去 But next time, it will spread through every smart device
直到整个世界都被感染 until the entire world is infected.
至于我们这些人 启动装置前 As for us, upon detonation,
我们就会撤离至 我遍布全球的超级地堡中 we will decamp to one of my super bunkers around the world
那里会备好充足的食物和水 where there will be food and water,
还有世界顶尖的现场娱乐活动 供各位欣赏 and the best live entertainment the world has to offer.
邪恶的亿万富翁们 你们好吗 What's up, evil billionaires?
我等不及要为大家献上 I am so excited to be doing live shows
日夜不停的现场演出了 来“末日偷笑地堡房间”找我吧 for as long as it takes, in the Doomsday Giggle Bunkeroom
地址就在亚利桑那区的四号街区 located in Block 4 of the Arizona District.
我们到时见 See you there!
《阿米什人的天堂》 Amish Paradise.
待余烬散去 And when the embers have died down,
活到最后的人 便可以获得与我们同席而坐的资格 any survivors left will have earned their place alongside us,
届时我们会回到一个白板般 and we will return to a world
一干二净的世界 我们可以作为创世元勋 that is but a blank slate upon which we can rebuild
重建一个全新的伊甸园 as the founding fathers of a new Eden.
先生们 女士 Gentlemen, lady,
在这个新年前夜 我将为大家献上… this New Year's Eve, I give you...
地狱之火项目 Project Inferno!
我才发现凯恩的夜总会 与西蒙·达文波特出车祸的地点 It turned out that Cane's nightclub was only half a mile
只相隔短短八百米 from where Simon Davenport crashed.
这让我想到 And that got me thinking.
也许他身亡的前一晚 曾去过那里 Maybe he had been there the night he died.
于是我坐上我全新的电能巡逻警车 命令它开往马里布 So I hopped into my new electric cruiser... and told it to head to Malibu.
警告 请掌控方向盘 Warning. Please take the wheel.
检测到撞击 请掌控方向盘 Collision detected. Please take the wheel.
快把路让开 走开 Get out of the road! Move!
-你们这些人有什么毛病 -检测到撞击 - What's wrong with you people? - Collision detected.
这座城市的人都退化成什么蠢样了 What is this city coming to?
您想喝点什么 What can I get you?
我想请你帮我一个忙 I was wondering if you could help me.
我在找一个朋友 他可能来过这里 I'm looking for a friend who may have been here before.
没印象 我没见过他 Nah, I haven't seen him.
-你都没怎么看照片 -我看一眼就知道了 - You hardly looked at it. - I saw enough.
你不记得我了 是吧 You don't remember me, do you?
我应该记得吗 Should I?
你打着“惩奸除恶”的旗号 对我哥开了枪 My brother, you shot him "in the name of justice."
不瞒你说 符合这个描述的有上千人 That can literally be thousands of people.
他是在转身逃跑时被你击中的 Shot him in the back as he ran away.
-仍有几百人 -他没携带武器 - Hundreds. - Unarmed.
-至少有五十个 -他是白人 - At least 50. - He was white.
原来你是托尼·罗兰德的弟弟 So you're Tony Roiland's brother!
没错 That's right.
-老伙计托尼最近好吗 -你是认真的吗 - How is old Tony? - Are you serious?
很不好 Bad.
也是 Right.
所以你那位朋友 我或许见过 或许没见过 So, your friend, maybe I have seen him. Maybe I haven't.
我想不起来了 I can't remember.
-你想不起来了 是吗 -没错 - You can't remember, huh? - Nah.
也许这能让你恢复记忆 Well, maybe this'll jog your memory.
这才对嘛 你现在想起来了吗 That's better. Remember now?
我想起来了 Yeah, I remember.
当时他坐在角落的半开放包厢里 他喝了一杯酒 He sat in a corner booth. He had a drink.
但我只知道这么多 But that's all I know.
这家店的监控录像存在哪里 Where do they keep surveillance footage?
在后面的房间 In the back.
但就连我也无权进去 But even I'm not allowed in there.
谢谢 Thank you.
她就这样再次出现了 And there she was again.
不得不承认 她确实很美 I had to admit, she was beautiful.
她拥有一具 能驮着脑袋到处走的曼妙身躯 She had a body that carried her head around,
她的翘臀似乎在说 and a butt that seemed to say,
“嗨 我是会说话的屁股” "Hello, I'm a talking butt."
该说“优雅”吗 这个词很适合她 Elegant? Yeah, I'd say so.
但就像同时给三个小孩 当保姆的青少年一样 But like a teenager with three babysitting jobs,
我没空再给别人当保姆了 I didn't need another babysitting job.
警督 你好啊 Hello, Lieutenant.
你怎么会来这里 What the hell are you doing here?
你来做什么 我就来做什么 I'm doing the same thing you are.
我告诉过你 我不会干坐着等结果 I told you I wasn't gonna sit around and wait.
听着 这跟你写的小说不一样 Listen, this isn't one of your stories.
普通平民女性 不可能在一夕之间学会破案 Average civilian women don't suddenly solve crimes.
看来你读过我的小说了 Oh, you read my book.
你觉得怎么样 What'd you think?
我觉得这是不切实际的幻想 I think it's a fantasy.
一个女人戴上假发和墨镜 突然就变身为刺客了 A woman puts on a wig and sunglasses and suddenly she's an assassin?
但你读得爽吗 But did you enjoy it?
有几段写得确实不错 It had some good parts.
德宾警督 Lieutenant Drebin.
他知道你是西蒙的妹妹吗 Does he know you're Simon's sister?
-不知道 -很好 千万别让他知道 - No. - Good. Let's keep it that way.
真是个意外之喜啊 What a wonderful surprise.
我很好 谢谢 Fine, thank you.
你这儿的环境真不错啊 Beautiful place you've got here.
完全闻不到动物的死尸味 Can't smell the dead animals at all.
谢谢你的称赞 Thank you.
我给你拿一杯喝的吧 Uh, can I get you a drink?
只要水就好 亮晶晶的那种 Just water. And sparkling.
这位美人又是谁 And who is this stunning creature?
我们应该是第一次见面吧 I don't believe we've met.
-我是… -这位小姐叫… - Well, I'm-- - Uh, th... this is Miss...
樱桃… Cherry...
罗斯福… Roosevelt...
肥猪大口吃意面 Fat Bozo Chowing Spaghetti.
-这名字真有趣 -是啊 - What an interesting name. - Yes.
真是“谢谢”你 Thank you.
警督 什么风把你吹到这儿了 So, Lieutenant, what brings you here?
我想看看你这家店的监控录像 I was hoping you could let me take a look at your security footage.
我能问问原因吗 Oh. May I ask why?
尽管问 Go right ahead.
很遗憾 我没法给你 看我们的监控录像 Unfortunately, I can't show you security footage.
我们承诺要为会员 提供最高级别的隐私保障 Our members trust that we will provide them
我不能辜负他们的信任 with the highest level of privacy.
希望你能理解 I hope you understand.
我开始理解了 I'm starting to.
好了 多谢你的这杯水 Well, thank you so much for the drink.
时间不早了 我们真的得走了 It's getting late. We really must be going.
这么快就要走吗 So soon?
你不急着走吧 意面小姐 I hope you're not leaving, too, Miss Spaghetti.
-这个嘛 我… -没错 她也急着走 - Oh, well, I-- - Yes, she's leaving, too.
明天一早还要去迪士尼乐园呢 Early morning at Disneyland tomorrow.
她是那种深爱迪士尼文化的成年人 She's one of those Disney adults.
说迷恋也不为过 她的床上全是玩具娃娃 Obsessed, really. Her bed is covered in dolls.
意面小姐 务必留下来喝一杯 Oh, Miss Spaghetti, please stay for a drink.
你不介意吧 德宾 Uh, you don't mind, do you, Drebin?
请便 Be my guest.
太好了 我去收拾一张桌子出来 Wonderful. I'll get a table.
好
你去想办法搞到监控录像 我负责转移他的注意力 You get the footage, I'll keep him occupied.
绝对不行 I'm... Absolutely not!
谢谢你 Oh, thank you.
哇 这里真是个好地方 Wow. This place is amazing.
谢谢 Ah. Thank you.
意面小姐 我能畅所欲言吗 Miss Spaghetti, may I speak freely?
我希望你能说英语 I'd prefer English.
弗兰克·德宾配不上 你这样成熟优雅的女人 You're much too sophisticated... for the likes of Frank Drebin.
我和德宾不是一对 Oh. I'm not with Drebin.
这可真是天大的好消息 Oh. Well, that's wonderful news!
干杯 Cheers.
这酒来自比尔·科斯比的私人庄园 From Bill Cosby's private estate.
好疼 That hurt!
该死 Shoot!
妈 我现在没空跟你聊 Mom, Mom, now is not a good time.
妈 拜托 我回头再打给你 Mom, please, I'll call you back.
我得挂了 我有事要做 我挂电话了 I got to go. I got to go. I got to go now.
跟我讲讲 So, tell me,
你最近在忙什么工作呢 what have you been working on lately?
我们就别聊工作了 聊聊玩乐之道吧 Oh, let's not talk about work. Let's talk about play.
意面小姐 你喜欢爵士乐吗 Uh, do you like jazz, Miss Spaghetti?
喜欢 Like it? Hm.
-我超爱的 -我也超爱 - I love it. - I love it.
老板 Sir. Um...
我们这儿出了点问题 We've got a problem.
-现在别烦我 别烦我 -不 这问题挺… - Not now. Not now. - No, it's quite...
好的 老板 Yes, sir.
这首歌送给我新认识的性感电能朋友 This one's for my electric new friend,
理查德·凯恩 Richard Cane.
哇 Wow!
黄樟鸡肉D调 Sassafras Chickenin D.
要格外有肉感 小伙子们 Make it extra lumpy, boys.
我常说打架和爵士乐很像 I've always said fighting is a lot like jazz music.
像拟声唱法一般的即兴发挥 A scat-like improv
让想象力掌控身体 where one lets imagination take control of their body.
我没事 I'm fine.
正在服务 39号 40号 41号 42号
真棒 Yeah!
贝丝·达文波特 - 理查德·凯恩
数据库
西蒙·达文波特
我最爱两样东西 其一是我的全职居家女友 There's two things I love. My stay-at-home girlfriend
-还有大块头睾丸… -快点啊 - and Gorilla Nut... - Come on.
…男士强化型保健饮品 ...enhanced drink supplement for men.
跳过广告 Don't follow fad diets and fake workouts.
别盲目追随流行的食谱 和虚假的健身计划了 想变肌肉男 You want to get ripped?
你只需要“肌肉粘液” 把它抹在身上… All you need is Muscle Slime. Rub it on and--
理查德·凯恩
看看这是谁啊 Well, look at that.
道格拉斯·奥莱利
这位在暗中偷听的朋友 你又是谁 And who are you, my secret eavesdropping friend?
“道格拉斯·奥莱利 调查记者 Douglas O'Reilly, investigative journalist,
“为《洛杉矶记事报》工作” L.A. Chronicle.
糟糕 Shoot.
仅用于紧急撤离 开门将拉响警报
看来德宾先生比我们想的更会惹事 It seems Mr. Drebin might be more of a problem than we thought.
你去盯着他 I want you to keep an eye on him.
确保他不会再惹出什么麻烦 And make sure he doesn't cause any more distractions.
明白 老板 Yes, sir.
我是戴维斯 你最好是有好事找我 Davis. This better be good.
他干了什么 He did what?
叫德宾马上来见我 Get me Drebin this instant!
局长 对不起 但你必须听我解释 Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but you have to listen to me.
这里头有更深的阴谋 There's something deeper going on here.
你要是把我丈夫吵醒了 我对天发誓… You wake up my husband, I swear to God...
-抱歉 -你脑子里在想什么 德宾 I'm sorry. What the hell were you thinking, Drebin?
理查德·凯恩 是个非常有影响力的大人物 Richard Cane is a very powerful man.
而且他每年会为市里带来巨额捐款 And he makes a lot of hefty donations to this city,
你开的那辆新车都是他送的 including the new car you're driving.
理查德·凯恩是个罪犯 Richard Cane is dirty.
他涉嫌参与了 对西蒙·达文波特的谋杀 He's involved with the Simon Davenport murder.
顺便一提 银行劫案也是他的手笔 And by the way, the bank job, too!
你还在调查银行劫案 You're still working the bank job?
够了 你被停职了 That's it. You're suspended!
停职 Suspended?
我刚才怎么说的 别吵醒罗纳德 What did I say about waking Ronald?
他明天要对菲茨杰拉德做报告 He has a Fitzgerald presentation tomorrow.
如果森本不接受他纵向整合的提议 And if Morimoto doesn't accept his vertical-integration pitch,
比尔·康托就要连续三年 越过他晋升了 Bill Cantor will leapfrog him for the third year in a row.
-可比尔是罗纳德培养出来的 -关键就在于此 But Ronald trained Bill. Exactly!
我别无选择 I've got no choice.
我要把你停职两周 立即生效 I'm putting you on ice. Two weeks. Effective immediately.
现在你可以滚了 Now get out.
我们都为你加油 罗纳德 We're all rooting for you, Ronald.
祝你明天大杀四方 Give 'em hell tomorrow.
今晚过得很不顺吗 Rough night?
是你啊 Oh. It's you.
跟我说说 你在监控录像里发现了什么 Now tell me. What'd you see on the security footage?
听着 我同情你的遭遇 真的 Listen. I feel for you. I really do.
但我今晚不得不暴揍了无数打手 But I had to beat up a lot of henchmen tonight.
他们都有女儿 Men with daughters!
别这样 如果不是我帮你 你都没有看到录像的机会 Oh, come on. You wouldn't even have seen it if I didn't help you.
帮我 你真有意思 Help me? That's rich.
恕我失陪了 我现在又累又饿 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm tired, I'm hungry.
晚安 达文波特小姐 Goodnight, Miss Davenport.
不如我们一起吃顿晚餐吧 What if we had a little dinner, together?
我很乐意… I sure could go for a...
来上一口 bite.
别太心急 “主厨” 我这只火鸡要用230度烤 Slow down, chef. This turkey burns at 450.
-我把火开到多大了 -差不多有540度了 - How hot was I cooking? - About a thousand.
火鸡需要小火慢烤 Turkey needs slow and low.
除非你喜欢里头粉嫩嫩的 Unless you like your center pink.
我超爱里头粉嫩嫩的 Oh, I love my centers pink.
你不担心肉不熟 会毁了美味的填馅吗 You're not worried the rare meat will ruin a good stuffing?
只要你不介意我感染沙门氏菌 As long as you don't mind if I get salmonella.
介意 我巴不得呢 Mind it? I prefer it.
我喜欢病恹恹的小男孩 I like a sick little boy.
你非要对我穷追不舍 是吗 You're not gonna stop hounding me, are you?
绝不停手 Not for a second.
谢谢 Thank you.
抱歉我这儿这么乱 Uh... excuse the mess.
我… I, uh...
自从我妻子去世后 haven't had the heart to clean...
我就没什么心情收拾屋子 ...since my wife died.
节哀顺变 她是怎么走的 My condolences. How did she pass?
很厉害 能轻松投出50米 她的手臂就像大炮似的 Great. Fifty yards easy. Arm like a cannon.
然后她就死了 And then she died.
我们永远没法知道 她能不能成为职业运动员了 So we'll never know if she could've gone pro.
她是我见过最贴心的女人 She was the sweetest woman I've ever known.
-听起来她像个圣人 -也可以去野马队 或是49人队 - She sounds like a saint. - Or maybe a Bronco or a 49er.
说真的 她去哪个队我们都很满意 We would've been happy with any team, really.
只要别去布朗队就行 Anyone but the Browns.
你家窗外的景色真不错 That's quite a view you have.
自从我搬到这里上大学时 我就爱上了山上的风景 You know, I've been drawn to the hills ever since I moved here for college.
你上加大洛杉矶分校 UCLA?
我每天都能看到洛杉矶 我就住在这儿 I see it every day. I live here.
恐怕我家没什么吃的 I'm afraid I don't have much to offer.
不过… However...
刚才在外面聊了那么久火鸡 让我想过感恩节了 All that turkey talk outside got me in the Thanksgiving mood.
我记得家里好像还有一整只火鸡 I think I have a full turkey around here somewhere.
但是我家的烤箱脏得要命 But my oven is filthy.
我不介意 我就喜欢脏兮兮的 I don't mind. I like a dirty bird.
你没开玩笑 这烤箱太脏了 You weren't lying. This oven is disgusting!
说几句脏兮兮的情话是很好玩 但是… It sure was fun to talk about a dirty bird, but...
我们还是要注意卫生 it would be unsanitary.
热卤水确实是最重要的步骤 Well, hot brine is the most important part.
谁说不是呢 It sure is.
这是我的狗 巴斯特 This is my Buster.
它肯定是闻到火鸡味了 He must've smelled what's going on.
笨狗狗 这个你不能吃 Silly dog, that's not for you.
口味真重 Okay.
它的力气好大啊 He's so strong.
把它松开 Put that down.
还是让我帮你挠挠背吧 How about some nice scratches instead?
舒服吧 Yes.
哇哦 Wow.
真叫人恶心 I don't like this.
你的头发乱了 我能帮你整理一下吗 Oh, your hair. May I?
好啊 Oh. Yes.
这样就好多了 That's better.
这么做是不是不太好 Is this crazy?
我很久没和别人亲热了 It's been a long time.
恐怕我早已忘了该如何接吻 I'm afraid I may have forgotten how to kiss.
真美啊 How beautiful.
《法术与咒语》
周末和贝丝度过了 一个放松身心的小假期后… After a relaxing weekend away with Beth...
怎么又来 Not again!
…是时候继续查案了 ...it was time to get back to the case.
所以我打给《洛杉矶记事报》编辑部 打听道格拉斯·奥莱利的事 So I called the L.A. Chronicle news desk to follow up on Douglas O'Reilly,
却被告知他没来上班 but was informed that he hadn't made it into work.
于是我来到了他的公寓 So I headed to his apartment.
道格拉斯·奥莱利 Douglas O'Reilly?
我是警察小队的弗兰克·德宾警督 Lieutenant Frank Drebin here, Police Squad.
你好 Hello?
有人在家吗 Anyone home?
糟糕 Oh, no.
嘿 道格拉斯 我踩到了不明红色液体 Hey, Douglas, I stepped in some kind of red liquid!
你家有厚纸巾吗 You got any paper towels?
我把它踩得到处都是 I'm dragging it all over your place.
捡起我
我帮你把刀捡起来了 I picked up your knife for you!
你要把它放在哪儿 Where do you want it?
“按下录音键 自报家门 然后说‘是我干的’”
我是弗兰克·德宾警督 是我干的 Lieutenant Frank Drebin. I did it.
好了 Okay.
奥莱利 是你吗 O'Reilly, that you?
奥莱利 O'Reilly?
这时候我才意识到 And that's when it hit me.
就像拼完拼图还裱起来的蠢蛋一样 我掉进“圈套”了 Like an idiot's finished jigsaw puzzle, I was being framed.
我必须把犯罪现场清理干净 没有尸体 就没有案子 I needed to clean the crime scene. No body, no crime.
这下把尸体藏起来也没用了 Hiding the body was no longer an option.
别动 Freeze!
不是你们想的那样 It's not what it looks like!
他逃了 He's running!
汽车 开车 Car, drive.
谢谢你 汽车 Thank you, car.
启动远程控制
搞什… What the...
汽车 停下 Car, stop it.
我说停车 I said stop!
嗨 德宾 介意我替你开一会吗 Hello, Drebin. Mind if I take the wheel?
凯恩 这是怎么回事 Cane. What's going on?
我在远程控制你的车 I've taken control of the car.
这是我想纠正错误时 惯用的一个小妙招 It's a little trick I have for when I want to fix mistakes.
原来达文波特就是这样死的 So that's how Davenport died.
不是他自己把车开下悬崖的 是你干的 He didn't drive himself off a cliff, you did.
你总算明白过来了 警探 Now you're getting somewhere, Detective.
但在此之前 他已经把你的秘密 透露给了那位记者 But not before he spilled your secrets to that reporter.
所以你把那位记者也杀了 So you went and killed him, too.
杀他的不是我 弗兰克 是你 I didn't kill him, Frank. You did.
是你这个癫狂的警察 刺死了那名记者 You're the crazy cop who stabbed the reporter
然后自己开车 一头冲进大海 and then drove himself into the ocean.
鬼才信呢 The hell I am.
你逃不出去的 德宾 There's no escape, Drebin.
可惜你没法亲眼目睹 I'm just a little sad that you won't be there
新年前夜水晶蛋落下时 我准备的惊喜了 to see what I have in store when the New Year's Eve balls drop.
好了 祝你一路顺风 Oh, well. Have a nice trip.
嗨 苏珊 Hi, Susan.
正在重新规划路线…
目的地 大海
让开 快让开 Move! Move, move!
蜜蜂 不 糟了 Bees? No. No. No!
让开 快让路 走开 Move! Out of the way! Move!
看起来你需要帮助
什么 把车门打开 What? Open the doors!
没问题 You got it!
弗兰克 你还好吗 你人在哪儿 Frank! Are you okay? Where are you?
这个你先别管 我知道西蒙·达文波特是如何遇害了 Never mind that. I know how Simon Davenport was killed.
是理查德·凯恩干的 他操控车载着西蒙冲下悬崖 It was Richard Cane. He drove him off the cliff.
现在局里发了逮捕你的通缉令 Well, there's a warrant out for your arrest.
他们说你杀害了一位记者 快说这不是真的 They're claiming that you killed a reporter. Say it isn't so.
这不是真的 艾德 It ain't so, Ed.
还有一件事 弗兰克 市长听说了这堆烂事 There's another thing, Frank. The mayor got wind of this whole mess
-他们要撤回我们的经费 -什么 - and they're pulling our funding. - What?
警察小队正式解散 立即生效 Police Squad is shut down effective immediately.
这都怪我 我会把这事解决好的 This is all because of me. I'll fix this.
-听我一句劝 弗兰克 低调行事 -明白 - Do me a favor, Frank. Lay low. - You got it.
谢谢你 艾德 Thank you, Ed.
打扰了 你的手机能不能借我一用 Excuse me, do you have a phone I could use?
谢谢 Thanks.
我马上把西蒙遇害的真相告知了贝丝 As soon as I could, I called Beth to break her the news.
这并不容易 但我希望 真相能为她带来内心的平静 It wasn't easy, but I hoped it would bring her some peace.
谢了 Thanks.
你搞什么 兄弟 What the hell, man?
弗兰克 Oh, Frank.
谢谢你 Thank you.
-天啊 你受伤了 -没什么 - God, you're hurt. - It's nothing.
别犯傻了 快进来 Don't be silly. Come in.
我只找到了这个 This is all I could find.
可能会有点痛 Might sting a bit.
尽管来吧 Go for it.
-不疼 继续倒 -好 - It's okay. Keep going. - Okay.
凯恩说新年前夜 也就是明天 他有个大计划 Cane said he had something big in store tomorrow for New Year's Eve.
我敢说这肯定就是西蒙想警告我们的 I'm willing to bet it's whatever Simon was trying to warn us about.
你说的大计划是指什么 What do you mean, something big?
我也不清楚 I don't know.
但可能会有民众陷入危险 But people could be in danger.
我明白了 I see.
弗兰克 我要跟你坦白 Frank, I have a confession.
我哥死前打给我的那通电话里 When my brother called me before he died,
他跟我说了一些事 我还没告诉你 he told me some things that I haven't told you.
继续说 Go on.
他说他一直在研发一种心理治疗仪 He told me he was working on some kind of therapeutic device.
能帮助人冷静下来 Something to calm people down.
但他担心有人可能会 利用这仪器 反其道而行之 But he was worried now that someone could use it to do the opposite.
-帮人冷静上去 -他没细说 - Calm people up? - He didn't say.
他只告诉我 如果他出了什么事 He just told me that if anything were to happen to him,
我一定要不惜一切代价 阻止那台仪器被滥用 I needed to do whatever it took to stop the device.
这就是他留给我的遗言 Those were his last words to me.
所以你才非要介入我的调查 So that's why you inserted yourself into my investigation.
一开始是为了这个 Well, at first.
所以你才会出现在孟加拉虎夜总会 And that's why you showed up at the Bengal Club.
没错 Yes.
-所以你才会假装爱上我 -不 - And that's why - you pretended to love me. - No!
弗兰克… Frank...
不是这样的 你怎么能这么说 No, how could you say that?
我真不敢相信 我再次敞开心扉 坠入了爱河 I can't believe I opened myself up to love again.
我还为此写了一整首歌 我甚至租了一间录音室 I wrote that whole song about it. I rented studio space!
别走 拜托 Don't go, please.
弗兰克 求你了 Frank, please.
看着我 Look at me.
那是什么 What is that?
你指什么 What?
那个 That.
那是我昨天借给你的录像机 That's my TiVo that I lent you yesterday
好让你能看 《吸血鬼猎人巴菲》的第一季 so that you could watch season one of Buffy.
这样你就能慢慢理解我说话时的梗 So that you could start getting my references.
我知道啊 弗兰克 I know that, Frank.
我还特地叮嘱你 别把它连上网 And I specifically told you not to plug it into the internet.
而那是一根以太网线 That's an Ethernet cord
连接着我的录像机和你的路由器 going from my TiVo directly into your router,
路由器就是用来联网的 where the internet comes from!
我只是想给它接上电源 I was just trying to plug it into the electricity.
这下那部剧多半不能看了 And now they might be expired.
也就是说 没了 That means gone!
音乐剧特辑没有了 No musical special.
山德没了 斯派克没了 科迪莉亚·查斯没了 No Xander. No Spike. No Cordelia Chase.
丹尼尔·“奥兹”·奥斯伯恩没了 No Daniel "Oz" Osbourne.
“薇洛遇见她的二重身”那集也没了 全没了 No Willow-meets-her-doppelganger episode. Nothing!
对不起 我不知道这部剧… Sorry, I didn't know they were so--
弗兰克 我们正在聊非常重要的… Frank, we're in the middle of an important--
站在那儿别动 Just stand there.
果然都没了 They're gone!
没事 只是座机响了 It's okay. It's just the landline.
我来接 I'll get it.
喂 Hello.
我是艾德 我查到线索了 It's Ed. I've got something.
好 Okay.
我马上过去 I'll be right there.
艾德仔细研究了银行的监控录像 Ed had dug through the bank footage
发现当时从后门溜出去的一个男人 and identified a man who'd slipped out the back,
正巧是凯恩的安全主管兼左膀右臂 who also happened to be Cane's head of security and right-hand man.
要说有谁知道凯恩的计划 那一定是他了 If anyone knew Cane's plan, it would be him.
我们需要单独把他抓起来 对他施压审讯 We needed to get him alone and put the squeeze on.
但我们得按自己的方式来 But we had to do it in our own way,
-不能留下官方记录 -我们已经出发了 - off the books. - We're on our way now.
你不是我常用的司机 You're not my normal driver.
这不是我常用的车 This isn't my normal car.
这不是我常用的毒气 That's not my normal gas.
这不是我常用的入睡方式 This isn't the normal way I fall asleep.
喂 医生 他要醒了 Hello, doctor? He's waking up.
-今天是几号 -1月2日 - What day is it? - January 2nd.
你已经入院三天了 You've been here for three days.
三天 Three days?
搞什… What the...
理查德·凯恩已被逮捕
你能把电视机声音开大吗 Can you turn that up, please?
不劳烦你了 护士 That won't be necessary, nurse.
你好啊 古斯塔夫森先生 Hello, Mr. Gustafson.
是你 You!
看到我很惊讶吗 Surprised to see me?
你们的小计划没成功 Your little plan, it didn't work out.
被我们阻止了 这局好人赢了 We stopped it. The good guys won.
现在凯恩已经被抓了 Cane's in jail.
我有个坏消息要告诉你 他招供了 And here's the bad news for you. He's singing.
他告诉我们 是你杀了西蒙·达文波特和那名记者 He told us you killed Simon Davenport and that reporter.
听说你可能会因此坐上电椅 There's talk you might get the chair for this.
-你胡说 -是吗 - You're lying. - Am I?
那就告诉我 事情的真相是什么 Mm-hmm. Then tell me what really happened.
你想得美 Yeah, right.
你嘴挺硬 是吧 Tough guy, huh?
你知道像你这样健壮漂亮的男人 在圣昆廷监狱会遭遇什么吗 You know what happens to big pretty boys like you in San Quentin?
人们一定会爱死你 Ooh! They're gonna love you.
你在说什么胡话 What are you talking about?
真的 我目睹过上百次了 Oh, yeah. I've seen it a hundred times.
像你这样的大块头甜心 你一定会很受欢迎 Massive cutie pie like you? You'll be very popular.
第一天入狱 你的罪犯大头照 可能就会在网上疯传 First day in, probably have your mugshot go viral online.
“火辣罪犯小帅哥” The "sexy jailbird."
恭喜 你出名了 Congrats, you're famous.
挺好 Okay.
之后某一天 你全新的粉丝大军 找到了一个法律漏洞 Then one day, your new fan army finds a legal loophole,
突然间 你就变回自由身了 你回到外面的世界了 and suddenly, you're free! You're back on the streets!
这还不错嘛 That's... That's not bad.
只不过从现在开始 你要维持形象了 Only now, you've got an image to uphold.
“火辣罪犯小帅哥” The "sexy jailbird."
跟碳水说拜拜吧 拥抱间歇性禁食 Say goodbye to carbs. Hello, intermittent fasting.
你喜欢拉面吗 今后你只能喝汤了 宝贝 You like ramen? Well, it's all broth for you, baby!
雪上加霜的是 新一任“火辣罪犯小帅哥”出现了 Not to mention, there's a new sexy jailbird now.
他鼓吹“身材自信”理念 And he's all about body positivity.
他在监狱的照片墙上 大秀自己吃汉堡的照片 He's eating burgers on the prison Instagram
-与此同时 你却饿得快断气了 -不 - while you're starving to death. - No.
但纤瘦是你的特色 你想换路线也来不及了 But your brand is skinny. You can't change course now!
所以你决定结束这一切 So you decide to end it.
砰 冲着脑袋就是一枪 Bang! Bullet in the head!
-我不会这么做的 -但你打偏了 - I wouldn't do that. - But you miss.
你只打中了 控制放屁动作的那部分大脑 You only get the part of the brain that regulates farts.
-不 -这下你变成了新的表情包 - No. - Now you're a new meme,
“放屁男” 这是你想看到的局面吗 "farting guy." Is that what you want?
-成为“放屁男” -不要 - To be "farting guy"? - No.
-来啊 告诉我 放屁男 -不 - Come on, tell me, farting guy! - No. No.
-你超爱这外号 -不 - You love it! - No!
-说啊 你超爱的 -别说了 - Tell me! You love it! - Stop it!
都是凯恩谋划的 和我无关 It was all Cane's plan! It wasn't my plan!
他谋划了什么 What was?
他想发射一种声波频率 He wanted to blast a frequency
影响人的大脑 将人变成野蛮原始人 that would infect people's brains and turn them into savages.
-他打算在哪儿实施这个计划 -世界摔角格斗冠军赛上 And where was he gonna do that? At the WWFC fight.
-就在市中心 午夜开始 -他打算把那装置安装在哪儿 - Downtown, midnight. - Where was he gonna put the device?
在新年下降的水晶蛋里 In the New Year's balls.
水晶蛋 The balls.
嘿…你要去哪儿 Hey... where you going?
给我找个律师 听到了吗 I want a lawyer, okay?
抱歉我们陷害了你 对不起 I'm sorry that we framed you! I'm sorry!
-都录下来了吗 -一字不落 - Did you get all that? - Every word.
我们的时间不多了 距新年只剩下90分钟 We don't have much time. It's only 90 minutes till New Year's.
什么 这是什么情况 What? What is happening?
这样获取证词合法吗 How is getting a confession like this legal?
有时候为了破案 我们不得不违法 Sometimes to get the job done, you have to break the law.
我经常这么干 I do it all the time.
-都录下来了吗 -录下来了 - Did we get all that? - We got it.
我是警察内务部的 Internal Affairs.
你因涉嫌非法拘禁 辛格·古斯塔夫森被捕了 You're under arrest for the illegal detainment of Sig Gustafson.
-不要啊 -你给我下套 厉害啊 - No! Ah! - So you set me up. Impressive.
只有一个问题 Uh, just one thing,
你是怎么在这么快的时间内 盖出这些布景的 how were you able to build these sets so quickly?
我只是跟几个本地的承包商说 I just told some city contractors
如果不帮我 我就吊销他们的执照 that I'd pull their licenses if they didn't help us.
-你们都录下来了吗 -录得清清楚楚 - Did you get all that? - Loud and clear.
我是赫克托·古铁雷斯 隶属职业安全卫生管理局 Hector Gutierrez, Department of Occupational Safety and Health.
巴恩斯警官 你被捕了 Officer Barnes, you are under arrest.
庞氏骗局网竞技场
距午夜还有48分钟
你干什么呢 What are you doing?
五分钟过去 号声响起 代表第一回合已经结束 Five minutes down. There is the horn signifying the end of round one.
观众非常不高兴 乔恩 This crowd is not happy, Jon.
好 比赛非常精彩 All right, very exciting stuff,
但播音间有新嘉宾加入 让我们热烈欢迎 but we are now thrilled to be joined in the broadcast booth
史上出手最狠毒的裸拳格斗士之一 by one of the most vicious bare-knuckle brawlers
世界摔角格斗冠军赛 第一季的参赛选手 from the first season of WWFC,
“该死的寡妇制造者”丹·戴利 欢迎你 丹 Dan "The Bloody Widowmaker" Daly. Welcome, Dan.
感觉不对劲 It's weird.
我出门时我老婆独自在家 她还画了全妆 I, uh... I left my wife at home and she was wearing makeup.
说她没有什么安排 Said she didn't have any plans.
你们觉得其中有鬼吗 What do you think that's about?
-我不知道 -我也不知道 - I don't know. - Me, neither.
当然了 这场比赛的举办全要归功于 And of course, none of this would be possible
今晚的赞助商 without tonight's sponsor,
伊甸园科技的理查德·凯恩 EdenTech's Richard Cane.
实验室的同事借给我几对特制耳塞 The boys in the lab loaned me these special earplugs.
它们能屏蔽数字频率 They block digital frequency.
所以就算那个炸弹真的爆炸了 我们也不会受影响 So if that bomb does go off, we're protected.
正是我们需要的 Nice work.
-现在凯恩在哪儿 -凯恩在贵宾看台 - Now, where's Cane? - Cane is in the skybox.
-那后援呢 -没有后援 - And what about backup? - There is no backup.
-什么 -你现在是被通缉的杀人犯 - What? - You're wanted for murder.
但古斯塔夫森已经认罪了 But Gustafson confessed.
是被我们逼迫的 We coerced him.
你没听说过米兰达权利吗 Haven't you ever heard of the Miranda rights?
什么 我可以肯定地说 搞写作的是凯莉 What? I'm pretty sure it's Carrie that writes.
米兰达是一名律师 Miranda is a lawyer.
夏洛特是艺术品经纪人 而萨曼莎就是个贱人 Charlotte's an art dealer. And Samantha's a whore.
怎么了 有什么事 What? What is it?
我已经给贝丝打了几小时电话了 她一直不接 I've been trying to call Beth for hours. She's not picking up.
希望她在安全的地方 I just hope she's okay.
我们在… Live...
洛杉矶的恐怖市中心为您直播 from scary downtown Los Angeles,
今晚的主赛事即将开始 this is the main event of the evening!
这才对嘛 Yeah.
-老板 -什么事 - Sir? - Yes?
请进 Oh! Please.
你找我有什么事吗 Can I help you?
还记得我吗 Remember me?
你好啊 樱桃·罗斯福·肥猪大口吃意面小姐 Well, hello, Miss Cherry Roosevelt Fat Bozo Chowing Spaghetti.
-我喜欢你的新造型 -谢谢 - I, uh, love your new look. - Thank you.
请和我一起看比赛吧 Please. Join me.
女士们先生们 Ladies and gentlemen!
是时候… It's...
开赛了 time!
测试 测试 我正往水晶蛋那里走 Check, check. I'm on my way to the balls.
好的 弗兰克 通讯器一切正常 Okay, Frank, comms working.
我已就位 我们还有25分钟 I'm in position. We have 25 minutes.
嘿 请给我来一杯啤酒 Hey, one beer, please.
我们打烊了 We're closed.
兄弟 拜托 帮我打一杯啤酒 又不会累死你 Man, come on. One beer's not gonna kill you.
就要一杯啤酒 One beer.
-快滚 -多少钱 - Get lost. - How much?
免费的 你快给我滚远点 It's free. Just get the hell out of here.
-艾德 你能听到我说话吗 -能听到 弗兰克 - Ed, do you hear me? - I can hear you, Frank.
-好像有个凯恩的打手在上面 -请回答 艾德 - I think one of Cane's goons is up there. - Come in, Ed.
-能听到吗 -测试 喂 - Frank, can you hear me? - Check, check.
上面有人 弗兰克 弗兰克 上面有个人 Somebody's up there, Frank! A guy is up there, Frank!
你刚说什么 艾德 What's that, Ed?
没事了 Uh, never mind.
先生们 我们重申过规则了 Gentlemen, we've been over the rules in the back.
希望你们尽力 打一场干净 公平的比赛 I expect you to fight clean, fight hard, fight fair.
竞技场里的紧张气氛一触即发 All right, the tension in this arena is palpable.
决胜时刻就要来了 各位 The moment of truth is here, folks.
直接转进语音信箱了 我敢说她肯定和盖里在一起 Straight to voicemail. I'll bet she's with Gary.
借我用一下你的手机 她不认识你的号码 Let me use your phone. She won't know your number.
你们准备好了吗 比赛开始 You ready? Let's get it on!
就是这样 上啊 Yeah! Let's go!
天啊 我喜欢这画面 God, I love this.
加油啊 Come on!
最近看了什么好书吗 “意面”小姐 Read any good books lately, Miss "Spaghetti"?
还是我应该叫你达文波特小姐 Or should I say, Miss Davenport?
我尤其喜欢你的小说里 博学的家庭主妇 I especially like the part where the erudite housewife
将自己变身为假冒的杀手 寻求复仇的那部分 transforms herself into a would-be assassin seeking revenge,
将一把枪… hiding a...
藏在… ...gun...
她的吊袜腰带上 in her garter belt.
还有一把… And another...
藏在她的腰窝里 ...in the small of her back.
还有一把… And a...
猎枪… shotgun...
藏在她美丽的… ...in her beautiful...
深褐色假发里 brunette wig.
把她绑起来 Tie her up.
好了 艾德…我来到水晶蛋这里了 Okay, Ed... I'm at the balls.
我这就开始找那个装置 I'm gonna look for the device.
干得漂亮 弗兰克 Nice work, Frank.
嘿 听说你这儿有免费啤酒 Hey, you got free beer?
没有 没什么免费… No, there's not free--
真是要命 Oh, boy.
它肯定就在这里头的某处 It's got to be in here somewhere.
艾德 请回话 Ed, come in.
快点 拿了啤酒赶紧走 Go on, take it and go.
弗兰克 你能听到我说话吗 Uh, Frank, can you hear me?
库克将膝盖用力地顶向对手胸膛 Coker lands a brutal knee to the chest!
我看到那个装置了 艾德 I think I see it, Ed.
看起来新年前夜的水晶蛋 All right, it looks as though we're having some technical difficulties
发生了一些技术故障 with the New Year's Eve ball.
我够不到它 I can't quite reach.
快看啊 Look at this!
这人的裤子掉了 The pants are off!
这他妈是什么情况 What the hell is going on?
好吧 我想电视网 应该已经给现场情况打了马赛克 All right. I believe the TV networks have blurred what's happening here.
所以我来尽力给电视机前的观众 描述一下这个画面 So for those of you back home, I will try to paint a picture.
这双苍白的腿上 点缀着肉桂色的柔软毛发 The legs themselves are pale and white, sprinkled with cinnamon soft hair.
现在我们将视线移向中段 Now turning our gaze to the middle,
那里的景象颇为壮观 where we find something quite magnificent.
称之为真正的“主赛事”也不为过 The main event, if you will.
一根尺寸可观的“德式香肠” A grand bratwurst,
如同坐在皇宫里的德国皇帝本人 fit for the Imperial Court of the Kaiser himself.
又像是一根未经烘焙的面包 戴着一顶爆炸头假发 Or maybe a loaf of unbaked bread wearing an afro wig.
我拿到了 拿到了 艾德 I got it. I got it, Ed.
好了 我要出去了 Okay, I'm gonna get out.
德宾 Drebin.
赶紧派安保人员下去 All right, get security down there now!
大伙 这没什么可看的 Nothing to see here, folks!
警察执行公务 别管我 你们继续 Police business. Please, carry on.
好了 伙计 你该离场了 All right, buddy, time to go.
大家认真听我说 Now listen to me good.
我叫弗兰克·德宾 隶属警察小队 My name is Frank Drebin. From Police Squad.
德宾 Drebin!
今晚的比赛到此为止 This event is now over.
所有人请立刻从这里撤离 刻不容缓 Everyone vacate the premises immediately. Now!
好了 你玩够了吧 把话筒给我 Okay, playtime's over. Give me the mic.
-别再往前一步 哥们 -我受够了 - Don't take another step, buddy! - That's it.
布菲倒下了 Buffer goes down!
你们喜欢看真男人打架 You like watching a real man kick ass?
弗兰克 快下台 他们去抓你了 [OVER COMMS] Frank, get the hell out of there! You've got company!
好了 再见了 各位 All right. Goodbye, everyone.
祝你们今晚过得愉快 Have a good night.
够了 你们两个跟我来 All right, you, you, come with me.
让所有人把声波屏蔽耳塞戴好 Tell everybody to put in their frequency plugs.
也给她戴上 And her, too.
她在这里发疯 可不是什么好事 对吧 We don't want her going crazy in here, do we?
-你现在能看到什么 弗兰克 -这台装置亮着一些灯 - What do you see, Frank? - The device has some lights on it.
还有很多孔 重量大概是… Various holes. Weighs about...
两根半辣椒热狗那么重 two-and-a-half chili dogs.
上面还有个计时器 在倒数至午夜 It's got some sort of timer on it synced up to midnight.
警探 你好啊 Hello, Detective.
别紧张 把东西给我们 Easy now. Let's have it.
别再往前一步 Stop right there.
-别这样 -你们再动一下 - Don't do it. - Make one more move,
我就把这玩意的电子大脑打碎一地 and I'll blow its freaking computer brains all over this floor!
你好好想想 德宾 Think about it, Drebin.
我做的一切都是为了我们这种人 Everything I'm doing is for guys like us.
-我们这种人 -没错 - Guys like us? - Yes.
有权有势 充满正义感 真正在乎这个世界发展的人 Powerful, righteous men, who actually give a damn.
拜托 弗兰克 Come on, Frank,
你自己也说过：“之前的世界更美好” you said it yourself, "The world was better before."
你干了什么好事 What have you done?
滚开 安静点 Get out! Shh! Quiet!
“四轮车让身体自由 两轮车让灵魂自由” "Four wheels move the body, two wheels move the soul."
-说得对 -这句名言是我… - All right. - It's a famous quote I got from...
在名言网上看到的 Quotes.com.
-嘿 老板 -说 - Hey, boss! - Yeah.
您想怎么处置她 What do you want me to do with her?
把她扔在这儿 她活不到早上 Leave her here. She'll be dead by morning.
-你们都会骑摩托吧 -来吧 冲啊 - You fellas know how to ride, right? - Let's do it! Yeah!
等一下 Hold on.
-哎呦 -冲啊 不 - Whoopsie. - Go, go, go. No!
瞧瞧这场面 Look at this!
攻击特定目标模式
目标：小弗兰克·德宾
退后 我不想伤害你们 Stay back! I don't want to hurt you.
去地堡 先生们 To the bunker, gentlemen!
启动啊 快点 Come on. Come on. Come on.
老爸 Daddy?
帮帮我 老爸 我们该怎么办 Help me, Daddy. What do we do?
快啊 古怪阿尔在等我们呢 Come on! Weird Al's waiting!
我们就像从前一样 Just like old times.
快跟上 Come on!
让我先搞定这家伙 Let me get this guy first.
解决了 好 接下来是右边这个人 Got him! Okay, this guy on the right.
加把劲 老爸 亮出你的真本事 Come on, Daddy, enough playing around.
谢了 Oh, thanks.
就是他 飞低一点 That's him! A little lower.
好了 来吧 Okay, here.
你已经瞄准目标了 You've got a clear shot.
发射 Take it!
真是好大一坨 你宝刀未老啊 老爸 Whoa! That was so much! You still got it, Daddy.
老爸 谢谢你 Thank you, Daddy!
我以你为傲 儿子 I'm proud of you, son.
看到你干的好事没 凯恩 You see what you've done, Cane?
现在中止这场混乱还不晚 It's not too late to stop this madness!
这不是混乱 德宾 This isn't madness, Drebin.
这是进步 This is progress!
进步 Progress?
少数人的需求 永远没有多数人的需求重要 The needs of the few should never outweigh the needs of the many.
你曾经很清楚这一点 There was a time when you knew that.
所以才会走到今天这步 So it's come to this.
这是我们旅程的巅峰 The culmination of our journey.
横在你我之间的 All this... this stuff that's taken place
这一切东西 between you and me!
谢了 大卫 接下来由我接手 This, uh... Thanks, Dave. I got it from here.
实在抱歉 我把台词搞砸了一点 I'm so sorry. I messed up the lines a little bit.
-别担心 你做得很好 -好 - No problem. - You did great. Yeah.
-我们周日见 -周日见 - See you Sunday? - See you Sunday.
好了 凯恩 Okay, Cane!
拜托别这样 放开我 Please, no! Get off me!
住手 我甚至都不在这部电影里 Stop! I'm not even in this movie!
来人救救我 Somebody!
言归正传 看看我们现在的样子 这不是很美吗 Anyway, look at us! Isn't this beautiful?
正如大自然期望的那样 Exactly as nature intended.
两只强大的科迪亚克棕熊 面对面对峙着 Two great Kodiak bears, facing one another
为争夺统治权展开史诗般的一战 in an epic battle for dominance.
如果这一战是你想要的…我成全你 If it's a fight you want... very well.
你打我肚子 你打到了我肚子最柔软的部分 You hit my belly! You hit the soft part of my belly!
你搞什么 What the hell?
你之前打过架吗 Have you ever actually been in a fight before?
当然 我打过 Uh, yeah! I have.
天啊 我觉得我要吐了 Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna barf.
这是正常的吗 Is that normal?
你想接着打吗 Do you want to keep fighting?
什么 才不要 What? No!
我的肚肚还疼着呢 My tummy still hurts a lot!
既然这样 我就要逮捕你了 Well, in that case... I'm gonna arrest you.
你不能逮捕我 你还没抓到我呢 You can't arrest me. You still didn't catch me.
-你已经无路可走了 -我不用走 - There's nowhere to run! - I won't be running.
我可以飞 I'll be flying.
理查德·凯恩… Richard Cane...
你被捕了 ...you're under arrest.
他再也无法伤害任何人了 He won't be hurting anyone anymore.
一切都结束了 It's over.
对我来说 还没结束 Not for me, it isn't.
别这样 求你了 No. Please.
你好好想想 贝丝 Think about this, Beth.
杀了他也无济于事 Killing him won't fix anything.
我为什么要留他一命 Why should I let him live?
-杀了他 西蒙也不会复活 -你也没法确定 - It won't bring Simon back. - You don't know that for sure.
你说得对 一切皆有可能 You're right. Anything is possible.
但你必须通过司法系统 让他得到应有的惩罚 But you have to let the justice system do its job.
从你嘴里说出这番话 还真是好笑 That's rich, coming from you.
贝丝 事实是 The truth is, Beth,
一旦你为复仇杀了人 就再也没有回头路了 once you kill a man for revenge, there's no going back.
杀人的记忆会像抹不去的阴影 跟随你一辈子 It stays with you forever, following you like a shadow.
你脑海里会有一道声音 一遍又一遍地说 A voice in your head saying over and over,
“老天 这感觉太爽了 ” "Man, that was awesome!"
所以 把枪放下吧 So, put the gun down.
如果不能为我放下 那就为我们俩放下 If not for me, then for us.
为了我们俩共同的未来 For our future together.
我爱你 贝丝 I love you, Beth.
别为几秒的爽快抛弃这一切… Don't throw it all away for a few seconds of...
虽然这可能是 你这辈子体验过最棒的感受 the best feeling you would ever have in your life.
来吧 Go ahead.
动手 Do it.
让人们冷静 - 上去
让人们冷静 - 下来
-我爱你 -我爱你 - I love you. - I love you.
罗纳德 快醒醒 Ronald, wake up!
你得到升职机会了 You got the promotion!
快来抱一个 Bring it in.
你这个顽固蠢老头干得还不错 Not bad for a stubborn old fool.
看来老头真的是这个世界上 最强悍 最智慧 I guess old men really are the toughest, smartest, most capable,
最有能力的人 sexiest beings on the planet.
弗兰克 Oh, Frank,
你把我变成了一个无比幸福的女人 you've made me a very happy woman.
我也一样 Me, too.
鉴于弗兰克·德宾警督 在新年前夜英勇无畏的行为 As a result of Lieutenant Frank Drebin's heroic work on New Year's Eve,
我在此高兴地宣布警察小队 I am happy to announce that Police Squad is back
带着对责任与正义的全新承诺 正式回归了 with a renewed commitment to accountability and justice.
尽管如此 我们也不会无视 And in that spirit, we will not ignore
德宾警督在本次事件发生前几天的 Lieutenant Drebin's questionable actions
那些充满争议的行为 on the days leading up to the event.
此时此刻 弗兰克·德宾 And right now, Frank Drebin
正在接受严格且彻底的内部调查 is being subject to a rigorous and thorough internal investigation.
谢谢各位 Thank you.
警察内务部 度假与水疗
贝丝 这杯敬我们 Well, Beth, here's to us.
敬我们 To us.
-这是什么情况 -怎么回事 - What is happening? - What?
这好诡异啊 This is strange.
跟我来 Come on.
泰勒 Taylor?
你还好吗 Are you all right?
这是什么情况 弗兰克 我好害怕 What's happening, Frank? I'm scared.
没事 亲爱的 我们一定会查个清楚 Okay, honey. We'll get to the bottom of this.
老天 Oh, God.
醒醒 你这混蛋 Wake up, you piece of shit!
冷静一点 Keep it together.
等一下 这是什么 Wait a second. What is this?
-你听到音乐声了吗 -听到了 - Do you hear that music? - Yeah.
你们是什么人 Who the heck are you people?
你们一直在窥探我们吗 Have you been watching us this whole time?
你们看到我只穿内裤的样子了 You've seen me in shorts?
退后 亲爱的 Step back, honey, please.
这首歌送给一位非常特别的女士 This goes out to a very special lady.
贝丝 ? Beth
你是我此生挚爱 ? You are The love of my life
我想娶你为妻 ? I want to make you my wife
亲爱的贝丝 ? Sweet Beth
你打开了我的心门 ? You opened my heart up
让我再度坠入爱河… ? To loving again...
这是你的功劳 You did that.
你知道吗 我之前从没来过 You know what, I've never really been
专业的录音工作室 in a professional recording studio before.
这个是干什么用的 What does this do?
真不错 Oh, that... that's nice.
这动静很好听 That's got a good sound to it, huh?
不 我不碰它了 这样就挺好 No, no, no. I don't need to touch it. That's fine.
贝丝 ? Beth
一流的身体曲线 ? Top-shelf curves
除此之外 还冰雪聪明 ? And brains to boot
还有位列我心目中 “十大”榜单之首的美靴… ? And boots that would top my brain's Top Ten list...
真是一双美靴… ? Aboot boots...
还有买下它们的聪明大脑 ? And the curvy brains That bought them
不能忘了她的一对美胸 ? Also breasts
我亲爱的贝丝 ? My sweet Beth
我第一次在办公室里见到你时 ? When I first saw you In my office
就时刻惦记着你的完美身材 ? I kept thinking About your body
因为那时我还不了解你的灵魂 ? 'Cause I didn't yet know Your mind
我不介意 ? I don't mind
我亲爱的贝丝 ? My sweet Beth
按出这些动静真好玩 It is just fun to play those things.
你介意我玩玩这把吉他吗 Do you mind if I... I pick up this guitar?
我总是希望自己会弹吉他 I always wished I knew how to do it.
我会弹了 Ah, here we go.
没想到弹吉他这么简单 You know, it's surprisingly easy.
就是指尖有点疼 Ow! It kind of hurts your fingertips.
从没人说过弹吉他会指尖疼 No one tells you about that part.
我亲爱的贝丝 ? My sweet Beth ?
贝丝 谢谢你打开我的心门 Thank you, Beth, for opening up my heart...
让我再度坠入爱河 to love again.
我要再录一遍 最后一遍 I just had to get one more.
字幕翻译： 孟奇
所有人 掌声热烈欢迎 世上最后一位现场演出艺人 Everyone, put your hands together for the world's last living entertainer,
“古怪阿尔”·扬科维奇 "Weird Al" Yankovic!
（末日偷笑地堡房间）
大家今晚怎么样啊 How's everybody doing tonight?
人呢 Hello?
有人在吗 Anybody here?
凯恩 Cane?
邪恶的亿万富翁们 Evil billionaires?
那个螃蟹手男 Crab-hands guy?
搞什么鬼 Oh, what the heck?